ok...so i guess i still need to get a car.  thinking about buying a yaris.  who wouldve thought that i'd be buying a yaris...but i need something affordable that gma and gpa can ride in.  (thus, no rsx or s2k) although, it would be pretty interesting imagining gma in an rsx...

so i still need more money...as usual.  why did i ever listen to ziggy and open up a macy's account.  now i have to pay of my bill (damn cosmetic purchases...) but oh well...

so i guess to save money, i need to start bringing lunch to both jobs (sears and arizona) i have no prob bringing lunch to arizona, its just that the breakroom at sears is so far away.  speaking of lunch, i gotta pack my lunch/dinner for tomorrow nite. yum. *bleh*

i bought a new phone (finally...my old one was starting to break again...damn replacement phone) its pretty and pink (go fig...everything i own is either pink or lavender)

so im finally starting to get used to amma...i'm finally getting memberships...so that means a little bonus on my paycheck. yippee!!! every dollar helps...

oh, so im back to living at home...i forgot to mention that one.  its nice to be back in my own bed.  (as mean as it sounds, its also nice to be able to stretch out in the bed too...no one to share it with).  even the mice moved back in...(which the birds just love...)now i just gotta get back into my household routines.  but anyway.  im gonna go pack my lunch and get  my stuff ready for work...at least i dont work too much tomorrow...just 8am-10pm .  ha! but at least its not as bad as last week fri/sat (6:30am-10pm) that one sucked...two days in a row. 

ok...im too tired to think right now. talk to y'all later.

/teeny

its thursday...

6 months since masa died.

so about my last entry...i was kinda down. can't say im  much better now.

i hate my life sometimes, but now isnt one of them.

so i work at 10 today...i feel like crap.

i wish i didnt need to work today...but i need the money...so oh well.

you know, i had an insightful entry planned out for today, but im  just too tired to write it. so another day i guess.

i was planning on deleting the previous entry, but then i had second thoughts.

so consider this as the (un)official disclaimer:

the following contained herein is original material written by me during a state of emotional distress.  the content below is not suitable for those weak of heart, children under 12, or those who suffer from emotional conditions such as depression.  the author of the following dismisses all liability to any emotional suffering caused by anything written on this site.  by reading this disclaimer, you hereby waive any and all rights to complain, bitch, moan, nag, or be a jerk about the following entry.

see? now u know im feeling better...

this thursday makes 6 months since masa passed away.

6 months since i became alone. unloved.  unwanted.

my life came crashing down this year, and it started when he died.

the only one in my life who i could talk to, who would listen to me cry, who loved me unconditionally.

now what do i have? a broken heart, an exhausted body, a life without spark...without meaning.

i have nothing now.  his death was the beginning of my downfall. after he died, shane moved out. after shane moved out, i opened my heart to justin...and we all know how that turned out.  all i do now is work and sleep

there is no joy left in my life. there is nothing that excites me.

maybe that's why i moved out...to get away from all the memories of masa...all the happy times that i miss and will never reclaim.  my sanctuary is now my hell.

there's no one who can listen or help.  in fact, i dont think anyone should even try.  i've given up on trying to be happy.

maybe happiness only comes to some people...someone who truly deserves it.  and i dont think i deserve to be happy anymore.  but strangely, it doesnt bother me.

what do i see in the future? i see myself working two jobs to support my family  until the day that i die and am reunited with masa.  thats the only thing i look forward to.  nothing else in life could bring me that happiness.  but like i said, i dont think i deserve to be happy, so it looks like i'll be living an extremely long life full of struggles, dissappointments, and unhappiness.

its funny cause the only one who understands me is dead.  so now theres no one to talk to who could care.

so i start work at 1 today (sears) so i have some time to kill...

started my new job (amma) on sunday...its hard remembering everything...not to mention processing hundreds of transactions at lightning speed.  i go live on fri.  fun...

yesterday (monday) worked both jobs...finished at amma at 5:15, drove to sears, started work there at 6, finished at 9:30 (worked late!!! cause it was soooo ridiculous...) went to gmas...ate some ice cream cake and some dinner (gma's shrimp curry!!! yummy!!!) then went to pick up ziggy around 10:30ish.  went to his house...fell asleep there (as usual)

oooh....heres the latest drama...jason used the words that scare me the most : "LIVING TOGETHER"   eek... im ok with sleeping over but...uh...living together? that'll require a lot of thought.  its not like he asked or anything...he just referred to us as "living together".  so i guess i should be flattered that he feels that comfortable, right? (which i do)  but i think considering dad's condition, i dont think i can move out.  (although, the mice moved out last week...they're now at ziggy's) but anyway...whatever happens, well, happens, right? all that i care about is having someone to wake up next to in the morning (which i LOVE) and being with the man that i love...tee hee hee... ok...so  im still giddy...i guess the newness of the relationship hasnt died out yet...(and it never will...mu ha ha ha)

k den...gotta go change the fluorescent bulb in the kitchen....

/teeny