Ok. so just finished reading a bit more on the increased security by USPS and body searches by TSA.  a lot of people are screaming that it's an infringement of their rights.  one example, on KHON2's website, someone commented that the increased security by USPS in HNL is unnecessary because we live on an island and "where would they run to" 

Yes, we live on an island.  That's about the only truth i find in that comment.

Most of us are old enough to remember that the unthinkable did occur.  They (meaning ACLU-types) say that people wouldn't send dangerous items from the post office in Honolulu.  They also say that a woman wouldn't hide a knife or C4 in her bra. 10 years ago, would you have imagined a plane being used as a WMD and crashing into a building full of innocent bystanders?  I think not.  To be prepared, you must expect the unexpected!  Anyone remember the underwear bomber?  Unsuccessful, yes.  He was crazy as sh*t for wanting to blow his nuts off on a plane, but that was UNEXPECTED.

Secondly,  just because we live on an island does not protect us from the world.  Does anybody remember what happens when the Matson line goes on strike?  Now imagine if we were cut off for a longer period of time due to terrorism.  EVERY aspect of our lives would be affected.  We as a state and living on an island are not self-sufficient.  We need to get our gas from somewhere.  Do you really think all of Oahu's farms could feed all of the residents on this island for a week? a month?  How long were flights shut down after 9/11?  Take a look at our economy.  We are tourism based.  If a terrorist threat (not attack) happened, do you realize what an inconvenience that would be?  No flights in full of tourists.  No rental cars or taxi cabs or bus fare.  No hotel rooms being used.  No restaurants with reservations.  No retail businesses making money.  The worst thing about all this?  Word of mouth.  People remember bad things more than they remember good.  One bad comment on our (as a state) ability to handle the security of our visitors would lead to an epic economic disaster.  (Would you want to vacation in Mexico City?)

We cannot isolate ourselves from every danger by saying that we live on an island.  We are part of a great and strong nation.  Stand together as one nation! I support government actions even if i do not always agree with them.  democracy gave us a voice.  men and women of the armed forces fight for our freedom. 

So i say what i always say in regards to people complaining about their privacy and rights.  If you don't like it, go somewhere else.  Let me know how much you like living in China or Thailand or Botswana. Me? I love being an American, and i'm damn proud of it.

GOD BLESS OUR TROOPS!

grandma's funeral is today.
i still can't believe she's not here.  i keep telling myself that she's not here...cause everytime i feel sad about it, i want to call her and talk to her.  everytime i needed someone to talk to, my grandma was there.  her response/solution to everything was "christy, pray".  grandma would cry with me when i needed to cry.  she's the one i turned to when shane left.  i miss her stories.  i miss her smell.  i miss a lot of things.
i know she's at peace now, but how do i say goodbye? how do i let go of someone so important? i know i'm being selfish, but i'm so sad.  all i want is to talk to my grandma and have her tell me that it's all going to be ok.  but she's not there. i don't have my grandma to talk to anymore, and i feel like there's an empty part of me now that she's gone.
how do you let go?

ok. so i was planning on deleting some of my old entries (esp stuff about exes) when i started reading them

i realized that as happy or sad as they may sound, some of them are pretty good.  (while some are just ridicuously stupid) but thats ok.  it brightened my day to read them.

so thanks for the memories

and i'll make sure to write some more insane gibberish later

sadness

hurt

alone

neglected

estranged

How i feel

hElp nowhere Left tO be seen

foreVer alonE anD sad

Misery by my sidE

feelings of Hatred

bEing betrayed

Lied to

chEated on

pain seared into a Fragile soul

Torn to pieces

shredded

MutilatEd

my whole exIstence ruined

My trust in Another

built on False dreams

and hOpes Of a future together

of a forever Love

i was wrong!

did u ever notice that there isnt many people out there who really care as much as they say they do?

why? because we're all selfish in some way.  people are selfish.  maybe its the culture that has brought us to this.  we've become a society of selfish, superficial people with nothing better to do that make ourselves feel better by degrading others.

so heres something to think of: if a friend is defined as a "supporter, person who gives assistance"or a "person allied in strugle or cause" wouldnt that make us selfish for having friends? if your friends are there for you for support, doesnt that in turn make u selfish? and truthfully, maybe thats not what friendship should be.  maybe life can be fufilled by struggling alone...by not asking for  help.  because if u ask for help from your friends, you're only using them.  see, i think i'm a perfect example of this, i call my friends when im in trouble or when i need a shoulder to cry on.  but in the past, thats only made me weak.  and its not like anybody calls me unless they need the same from me, so maybe friendship is merely a crutch in our existence... something to help us hobble through the pain.  so whats worse, to suffer alone or to be selfish by asking for help. i honestly dont think thats what God intended.  love isn't selfish, so if friendship becomes selfish, it isnt love...but there's the problem...isnt friendship supposed to be love? not the romantic type of love or even a love that can be explained, but isnt that what friendship should be? most times, however, its not.

friendship is part of life.  love is a part of life.  and the harsh reality is that we're all a little selfish.  we're all striving to make ourselves better people by being selfish.  sure, call it ambition...call it whatever the hell u like, but the reality of it is that we're all selfish.

i hate superficial, selfish people, but the reality is that i've become one of them. maybe i always have been. 

ok...so i guess i still need to get a car.  thinking about buying a yaris.  who wouldve thought that i'd be buying a yaris...but i need something affordable that gma and gpa can ride in.  (thus, no rsx or s2k) although, it would be pretty interesting imagining gma in an rsx...

so i still need more money...as usual.  why did i ever listen to ziggy and open up a macy's account.  now i have to pay of my bill (damn cosmetic purchases...) but oh well...

so i guess to save money, i need to start bringing lunch to both jobs (sears and arizona) i have no prob bringing lunch to arizona, its just that the breakroom at sears is so far away.  speaking of lunch, i gotta pack my lunch/dinner for tomorrow nite. yum. *bleh*

i bought a new phone (finally...my old one was starting to break again...damn replacement phone) its pretty and pink (go fig...everything i own is either pink or lavender)

so im finally starting to get used to amma...i'm finally getting memberships...so that means a little bonus on my paycheck. yippee!!! every dollar helps...

oh, so im back to living at home...i forgot to mention that one.  its nice to be back in my own bed.  (as mean as it sounds, its also nice to be able to stretch out in the bed too...no one to share it with).  even the mice moved back in...(which the birds just love...)now i just gotta get back into my household routines.  but anyway.  im gonna go pack my lunch and get  my stuff ready for work...at least i dont work too much tomorrow...just 8am-10pm .  ha! but at least its not as bad as last week fri/sat (6:30am-10pm) that one sucked...two days in a row. 

ok...im too tired to think right now. talk to y'all later.

/teeny

its thursday...

6 months since masa died.

so about my last entry...i was kinda down. can't say im  much better now.

i hate my life sometimes, but now isnt one of them.

so i work at 10 today...i feel like crap.

i wish i didnt need to work today...but i need the money...so oh well.

you know, i had an insightful entry planned out for today, but im  just too tired to write it. so another day i guess.

i was planning on deleting the previous entry, but then i had second thoughts.

so consider this as the (un)official disclaimer:

the following contained herein is original material written by me during a state of emotional distress.  the content below is not suitable for those weak of heart, children under 12, or those who suffer from emotional conditions such as depression.  the author of the following dismisses all liability to any emotional suffering caused by anything written on this site.  by reading this disclaimer, you hereby waive any and all rights to complain, bitch, moan, nag, or be a jerk about the following entry.

see? now u know im feeling better...

this thursday makes 6 months since masa passed away.

6 months since i became alone. unloved.  unwanted.

my life came crashing down this year, and it started when he died.

the only one in my life who i could talk to, who would listen to me cry, who loved me unconditionally.

now what do i have? a broken heart, an exhausted body, a life without spark...without meaning.

i have nothing now.  his death was the beginning of my downfall. after he died, shane moved out. after shane moved out, i opened my heart to justin...and we all know how that turned out.  all i do now is work and sleep

there is no joy left in my life. there is nothing that excites me.

maybe that's why i moved out...to get away from all the memories of masa...all the happy times that i miss and will never reclaim.  my sanctuary is now my hell.

there's no one who can listen or help.  in fact, i dont think anyone should even try.  i've given up on trying to be happy.

maybe happiness only comes to some people...someone who truly deserves it.  and i dont think i deserve to be happy anymore.  but strangely, it doesnt bother me.

what do i see in the future? i see myself working two jobs to support my family  until the day that i die and am reunited with masa.  thats the only thing i look forward to.  nothing else in life could bring me that happiness.  but like i said, i dont think i deserve to be happy, so it looks like i'll be living an extremely long life full of struggles, dissappointments, and unhappiness.

its funny cause the only one who understands me is dead.  so now theres no one to talk to who could care.

so i start work at 1 today (sears) so i have some time to kill...

started my new job (amma) on sunday...its hard remembering everything...not to mention processing hundreds of transactions at lightning speed.  i go live on fri.  fun...

yesterday (monday) worked both jobs...finished at amma at 5:15, drove to sears, started work there at 6, finished at 9:30 (worked late!!! cause it was soooo ridiculous...) went to gmas...ate some ice cream cake and some dinner (gma's shrimp curry!!! yummy!!!) then went to pick up ziggy around 10:30ish.  went to his house...fell asleep there (as usual)

oooh....heres the latest drama...jason used the words that scare me the most : "LIVING TOGETHER"   eek... im ok with sleeping over but...uh...living together? that'll require a lot of thought.  its not like he asked or anything...he just referred to us as "living together".  so i guess i should be flattered that he feels that comfortable, right? (which i do)  but i think considering dad's condition, i dont think i can move out.  (although, the mice moved out last week...they're now at ziggy's) but anyway...whatever happens, well, happens, right? all that i care about is having someone to wake up next to in the morning (which i LOVE) and being with the man that i love...tee hee hee... ok...so  im still giddy...i guess the newness of the relationship hasnt died out yet...(and it never will...mu ha ha ha)

k den...gotta go change the fluorescent bulb in the kitchen....

/teeny