August 19, 2006

• one down...

  so mr. weekend came in today (friday...go fig...admission day is a state holiday which he had off) so should i say the long version or the short version? eh, short version.  so mr. weekend asked me to dinner...to which i politely responded that "i'm flattered that you asked, but i'm only 23" yeah...he backed off kinda quickly after that.  i mean, dont get me wrong, he seems like a nice guy...just too old for my taste (like seriously too old).  so he prob wont be coming in anymore...unless he feels like asking out one of my co-workers...ha!  anyway...still haven't had any guy ask who met the criteria...why can't i have an attractive, single, under 30 but at least 23, intelligent, polite, respectful, fun, (did i say this yet?) sexy guy with killer abs, nice smile (and a nice ass) ask me out? see? its not like my initial list is that hard to meet.  ha ha ha...i think im just trying to make things as difficult as possible for all guys, huh? ha!

  
  

  ok...so im feeling pretty down right now, so im gonna vent below...so if u feel like getting all sad and depressed, read on.  if not, stop now.  ~teeny

  
  

  that look in my eyes, the smile on my face, the skip in my step, the pounding of my heart.  the feeling of being in love and being loved.  of opening my soul to someone.  to showing all of my faults and insecurities.  taking a risk in being in love, of being loved.  when everyone leaves me.  waiting by the phone for you to call.  you were the last thing i thought about before i went to sleep.  the last person i talked to before i closed my eyes.  the first person i called as soon as i got up, before i got out of bed.  the safety of falling asleep, curled up in your arms.  watching you sleep and realizing that i could do this forever.  telling you my feelings, even when it made you mad.  changing all my habits to accomodate you.  being your emotional support.  cleaning up after you.  cooking for you, washing your clothes, letting you touch me,  letting you hurt me.  bending over backwards to make you happy.  spending all my money on things you want.  taking care of you when you were sick.  lying in a pool of my own vomit while you stood by and watched.  loving you unconditionally.  laying there, weak and shivering, my heart in your hands.  believing all the lies.  remaining hopeful.  staying faithful.  loving you.  then hating you.  then missing you.  all while crying and wishing you were here. hiding what i thought or what i wanted.  not wanting to make you mad.  erasing phone numbers from my cell.  not talking to guys.  ignoring my friends.  being completely in your control.  having my goodnight kiss from you before bed.  sleeping with your leg on my hip. your arms wrapped around me.  being yours.  of you owning me, possessing me, controlling me.  but being loved in a way.  being in love with you.  a part of me still loves you.  a part of me hurts.  but never  again.  because of this, because of you and you i cant open myself up.  i cant trust anyone.  when i thought i couldnt trust anyone, i trusted you.  then you left me. like everyone does. i'll never open up to anyone like i did to you.  i dont ever want to open up to anyone.  so maybe thats why i dont date.  cause i dont want to.  i dont want to open up. i dont want to like anyone, cause it could lead to love.  and if i love anyone, they'll just leave me.  like you.  and you, who will move on and find someone else to catch.  catch them when they fall, like when i fell.  when i trusted you with every inch of my being.  when i tried so hard to be myself.  but never again.  no more.  im tired of it all.  i dont want to meet anyone who i'll fall in love with, cause im not willing to take that chance.  cause i was happy and sad with you, now, im just sad.  im changing into a different person.  im coming out of my cocoon.  you helped me to do that. no more.  i realize im better than that.  im not going to be the same pushover.  thats why im not seeing anyone.  thats why im not planning to. (well, at least until the right one comes along).  even though i say that now, who knows what tomorrow will bring. but i know that whatever comes tomorrow, im not ready for it.  im not ready for anything.  except to be alone. locked away in memories.  my heart sealed away.  its safer that way.  because i still miss you even though i shouldnt.

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