ok...just ok.  not great, but not bad

i've survived yet another day. for what? to go to work tomorrow. ha ha ha.  oh, so im planning on going to a formal in october...its not a date.  its more because shawna's bf, nathan, has a friend who doesnt have a date. so thus, here i am.  it feels so high school.  well, except for the whole being a little more formal thing.  i told my mom about it and she thinks its a date.  eh, who knows, who cares, right?

well, im gonna do a little online shopping then i'll write more.

~teeny

ok...go ahead and ask me what i did this past week...my normal response should be "nothing...work, eat, sleep" but not this week...then again, not this month either.  im currently trying to remember what i did this week...its all a blur.  hmmm...start off with yesterday...on sat. went to work (both jobs!) came home, did a midnight long's and walmart run (talk about being bored) ok...so saturday was boring.  friday? job #1 (only for 3 hours...i took a half day off...tee hee hee), went beach w/cousins...got on a surfboard for the very first time (and thank goodness i didnt flip over or drown or anything) pretty cool...except that my arms were killing me sat. morn.  then hung out at my uncle's house (which has the coolest outdoor shower) went back to gma's, then went to bistro w/ rob and kim.  thursday: what did i do? i forget already (talk about being old) wed: worked, went to salsa, stepped on some old guy's toes (which was ok, cause he was a little...ok...a lot strange.  like frickin horny old guy strange) tuesday i worked...dont remember what i did at night.  sunday and monday were the same...i worked...dont really remember much...i know on one of those nights i went to d and b with the girls (and spent too much money buying drinks and stuff...but its ok...my cousins dont come down that often) i think thats it.  boring huh?

so here we are, at the start of another work week.  and really quickly, i HATE the 27th of the  month.  today is 1 month since justin and i broke up (my "rebound" guy as people like to refer him as) i still miss him.  oh, and its also 2 months since i found out shane cheated on me.  but on a happy note, its 1 full month of being completely unattached (as in no bf, no dates, nothing.  zip, zero, nada).  gosh, i gotta go on a date already... ha! nah, i dont really...but it would be nice to not have to pay...i guess thats one of the good things about dating. ok then...gonna go wash clothes and other assorted housework.

have a spectacular sunday!!!

~teeny

so much work stuff to read over...its like having homework...(about 3 months of stuff to catch up on) gotta file it all somewhere...

oh, but i got my first paycheck (from job #2)...yippee! that covered my mani/pedi from last week...(damn impulse shopping)

well...i had better go...gotta get ready for job #1

here's my social availability for the next few days...call me if anyone thinks of something to do...

tonight: girls nite...i think.

tomorrow (mon): day: job #1 night: chillaxin w/cousins (visiting from cali)

tues (day) job #2 10-2 (the last of my online training!!!)  night: zip, zero, nada, nothing planned

wed: day: job #1 night: salsa...(here comes the whole praying i dont step on anyones' toes)

thurs: zip zero nada nothing

fri: day: job #1 night: going to bistro w/rob? (note: to all u people raising an eyebrow...rob is just a FRIEND...the one i met at pchs in 98 summer school)

sat: day: job #1 night: job #2 (i get off at 9 so if anyone wants to do anything after that im free...)

what a boring week, huh? well...have a spectacular day!

~teeny

so mr. weekend came in today (friday...go fig...admission day is a state holiday which he had off) so should i say the long version or the short version? eh, short version.  so mr. weekend asked me to dinner...to which i politely responded that "i'm flattered that you asked, but i'm only 23" yeah...he backed off kinda quickly after that.  i mean, dont get me wrong, he seems like a nice guy...just too old for my taste (like seriously too old).  so he prob wont be coming in anymore...unless he feels like asking out one of my co-workers...ha!  anyway...still haven't had any guy ask who met the criteria...why can't i have an attractive, single, under 30 but at least 23, intelligent, polite, respectful, fun, (did i say this yet?) sexy guy with killer abs, nice smile (and a nice ass) ask me out? see? its not like my initial list is that hard to meet.  ha ha ha...i think im just trying to make things as difficult as possible for all guys, huh? ha!

ok...so im feeling pretty down right now, so im gonna vent below...so if u feel like getting all sad and depressed, read on.  if not, stop now.  ~teeny

that look in my eyes, the smile on my face, the skip in my step, the pounding of my heart.  the feeling of being in love and being loved.  of opening my soul to someone.  to showing all of my faults and insecurities.  taking a risk in being in love, of being loved.  when everyone leaves me.  waiting by the phone for you to call.  you were the last thing i thought about before i went to sleep.  the last person i talked to before i closed my eyes.  the first person i called as soon as i got up, before i got out of bed.  the safety of falling asleep, curled up in your arms.  watching you sleep and realizing that i could do this forever.  telling you my feelings, even when it made you mad.  changing all my habits to accomodate you.  being your emotional support.  cleaning up after you.  cooking for you, washing your clothes, letting you touch me,  letting you hurt me.  bending over backwards to make you happy.  spending all my money on things you want.  taking care of you when you were sick.  lying in a pool of my own vomit while you stood by and watched.  loving you unconditionally.  laying there, weak and shivering, my heart in your hands.  believing all the lies.  remaining hopeful.  staying faithful.  loving you.  then hating you.  then missing you.  all while crying and wishing you were here. hiding what i thought or what i wanted.  not wanting to make you mad.  erasing phone numbers from my cell.  not talking to guys.  ignoring my friends.  being completely in your control.  having my goodnight kiss from you before bed.  sleeping with your leg on my hip. your arms wrapped around me.  being yours.  of you owning me, possessing me, controlling me.  but being loved in a way.  being in love with you.  a part of me still loves you.  a part of me hurts.  but never  again.  because of this, because of you and you i cant open myself up.  i cant trust anyone.  when i thought i couldnt trust anyone, i trusted you.  then you left me. like everyone does. i'll never open up to anyone like i did to you.  i dont ever want to open up to anyone.  so maybe thats why i dont date.  cause i dont want to.  i dont want to open up. i dont want to like anyone, cause it could lead to love.  and if i love anyone, they'll just leave me.  like you.  and you, who will move on and find someone else to catch.  catch them when they fall, like when i fell.  when i trusted you with every inch of my being.  when i tried so hard to be myself.  but never again.  no more.  im tired of it all.  i dont want to meet anyone who i'll fall in love with, cause im not willing to take that chance.  cause i was happy and sad with you, now, im just sad.  im changing into a different person.  im coming out of my cocoon.  you helped me to do that. no more.  i realize im better than that.  im not going to be the same pushover.  thats why im not seeing anyone.  thats why im not planning to. (well, at least until the right one comes along).  even though i say that now, who knows what tomorrow will bring. but i know that whatever comes tomorrow, im not ready for it.  im not ready for anything.  except to be alone. locked away in memories.  my heart sealed away.  its safer that way.  because i still miss you even though i shouldnt.

ok...so i think i was going through one of my "i dont want to be single anymore" phases...

i dunno if im gonna go to school this semester...mostly cause i couldnt register until yesterday, and i didnt get ANY classes that i wanted...(thus, i have registered for none at all) and school starts on monday...hmm...there goes the whole law career...tee hee hee...(btw...thanks trev for the...uh...compliment?) k den...well, gotta catch a ride down to gmas so i can WALK to work.

peace out

~teeny

ok...so i finished work (job #2) at 5:30...didnt get to gma's until 6:30.  came home (palisades) around 7:30.  since then, i've been half bored out of my mind (only half cause i was talking to mi amiga, em) it sucks cause no one can go out tonight because everyone works in the morn...except me.  and did i mention that it sucks not having a car? i mean, seriously sucks.  hopefully i'll scrounge up enough to get something within the next two weeks...(before i go insane) i figured that two jobs would fill up my life so i wouldnt be bored...i was wrong.  so i have sun nights guaranteed free, every other night is iffy (no set schedule yet...don't know if i'll ever have one) but at least if i work at job #2 (which is mostly nights) i get off at 9, so still early enough to go out.

oh, so the married guy from oceans emailed my friend with his number...to give to me.  hmm...from what shawana told me, he is giving me his number "just as friends".  believable? i dunno.  i mean, #1: he didnt mention the whole married thing, and #2: he did call me sexy and ask for my number...hmm...would his wife approve of that? i sure wouldnt.  so im contemplating whether or not to call him.  i probably wont, even if only as a friend (because i am SOOOO against the whole cheating/adultery thing...y'all know why)  i mean, all of my married guy friends i met before they ever got married (in some cases, before they even met their future wives).  not to mention that if i were his wife, i'd be a little worried about my husband talking to a girl that he met at a club as "just a friend".  part of me thinks that i should call him just to say "hi.  its me.  just a question, are you married? would your wife approve of you talking to me?" that would prob end the conversation really quickly.   so i guess thats the answer...not calling him.

as for mr. weekend, my solution (should he come in on saturday, which i hope not) is: RUN AND HIDE.  ha ha ha. im not too sure if i mentioned this last time, but when he came in on sunday, he was wearing bright yellow shorts.  i dont know if he was working out or what, but bright yellow shorts is a major turn off (esp on a 35 yr old <--which is another turn off)

so i think i know my age requirement: 23-30

i need to get out.  like go on a date or something...even if it's just with a guy friend.  i need an ego boost.    not to mention that i have this killer new dress that i want to wear *sigh*  but at least i know one thing, i'll never be desperate enough to do those online matchmaker things.  i think i meet enough questionable guys on my own, thank you.

but im sure there's plenty of nice guys out there.  someone with a great personality, someone with a great sense of humor; even, perhaps, someone from the mainland east coast   (feeling flattered yet?) 

but you know what, im in no rush.  you yank the line in too fast, you'll catch nothing and just lose your bait, but if you wait patiently, there'll be lots of fishes tugging at your line.  maybe even a flipper.  so i can wait...at least until i find a guy who's willing to wait for me too.

so i guess im going to try to sleep now...and dream of mr. right...ha! nah, i'll prob be dreaming of wearing my new dress...that or buying another one.  aah, the pleasures of being a girl...

 teeny

so its sunday night again...which means monday is tomorrow...which means that i'll prob have another boring monday night. 

glad to see that im not the only one still on xanga...that would be kinda depressing.

so lets see...where did i leave off in my ever so exciting life?  oh, i know...mr. weekend.  i dont think i described him (hey trev, listen to this one and tell me what u think) this guy, who will be called mr. weekend, came into my work for the first time last sat.  he was talking story w/me while i was working and my manager said that she thought he was interested in me (which is kinda sketchy, cause i swear he looks like 30-35) but i just thought he was being friendly.  then he came in again the next day.  ok...so that was kinda iffy. then he asked me if i go dancing cause he knows this one place by where pearl city tavern used to be.  ok...so i know this guy is flirting now.  i didnt think anything of it, but then he came in again yesterday.  then he came in today! and he kept staring at me.  creepy, huh? i mean, he seems like he'd be cool as a friend, but this whole coming in on sat/sun thing is starting to get creepy.  like stalker-ish (and not in the good "psycho stalker stud" kinda way) so it makes me a little more freaked out cause i walk to/from work from my gma's house...hmmm...

so im just kinda waiting to see if i'll ever meet a nice guy.  one who's not like 35 or married or anything questionable. 

oh, so the married guy thing (no, its actually not as bad as it sounds).  i went to oceans on fri w/ my friends.  my friend, shawna, invited us for her coworker's birthday.  so im dancing w/ one of her coworkers, and he's kinda cute. soooooo....when he's leaving, he came over and wanted my number (which i wouldnt give out) so then he wanted to give me his number so i'd call him.  so i told him to give his number to shawna and she'd give it to me and then i'd call him.  so i told shawna about this...to which she replied, "he's married w/a kid" what a lowlife.  no wedding ring on, no mention of  a wife or child yet he still asked for my number.  i feel so insulted and stupid.  but at least he doesnt have my number.  but its so embarrassing cause i got hit on by  a married guy.  jeez...can't i get hit on by an attractive SINGLE guy?! grrr...

so i think im seriously having guy issues...this is why its better to just stay single.  i'll just wait for karma to work its magic and find me a nice guy.  but until that happens (if ever) just gonna hang out w/ my friends...hopefully on a monday night since mondays are soooo boring. 

k den.  y'all have a nice night and a great tomorrow.

/teeny

one more thing: my email and aim are still the same...so feel free to drop me a line.  my cell number is somewhat old (as in, if u had my number 2 years ago, its still the same one)

i swear...like no one still uses their xanga (well...besides me) so these are almost like private entries cause NOBODY reads them...ha! (well...once every blue moon someone does)

somebody leave me a message if you're still on xanga!!!

monday nights are boring.

so i figured out that i was ready to settle down...with shane.  until he cheated.  as for the whole thing with justin, i didnt know him enough to settle down.  i just kinda settled for him.  i dunno...im still young.  i have plenty of time to find someone (again) who i'll feel ready to settle down with.  i guess it kinda came into perspective cause my mom actually acknowledged the fact that shane and i were planning on getting married...i mean...4 years is a kinda long time to be living togther.

so now, im just kinda enjoying being myself...i refuse to be with anyone who will make me change who i am or how i act or how i dress or anything.  if u dont like it, tough sh*t.

which brings me to my first point, monday nights are boring. nobody can or wants to go out.  man, i feel like going out.  so if anybody is free on thurs night, gimme a call (thats like the one night that i  dont have anything planned so far)

btw...ever heard "welcome home" by coheed and cambria? listen to the lyrics..."but if you really loved me you would've endured my world' i like that one.

one more thing...grocery shopping for one person is nice.  i save a lot more money.

peace out.

teeny